Wednesday, March 7, 2012
The End of Me
It was a cold, lonely place. It was so dark, I couldn't see ahead of me. This was supposed to be recovery? How could this be recovering? I didn't remember ever feeling worse than this. I kept thinking about how trapped I felt inside my mind and my body. There had to be something better than this, but how could it possibly be here? It seemed like a never ending circle of dark thoughts and feelings that I had no control of. It felt like the end for me, and it was.
I went through some pretty traumatic things in my life, and there was so much I carried around inside of me. What came from that was self-loathing, fear and an isolation that was present even when I was around people. It's hard to believe now that I was feeling so desperate and hopeless. There was nothing left, nothing but God. The God who I felt had let me down. Where was He when I needed Him most? How could he let the things happen to me that he did?
So in my hopelessness,I talked to God, I yelled at God and I cried to God. Little did I know that was my new beginning. I had a long way to go. A lifetime of hurt, anger, disappointment and betrayal to work through. Surprisingly it didn't take a lifetime to work through. When I came to the end of myself, I came to the beginning of Him...in me. It was amazing! I was able to stand with a new strength, and walk like I hadn't before. I didn't realize it at the time, but instead of giving up, I gave in, to my Lord and Savior. This was true surrender. What did I gain? On the outside, my life gradually changed. On the inside, I learned to cope instead of survive. I learned how to let God and people in, and let them love me. I wasn't able to forgive, but I was able to let God forgive through me. That was the biggest and final chain that was broken. When I forgave, it was the biggest gift I could give myself.
This journey has been amazing. I never thought my life could be this way. There are plenty of challenges and difficulties that life brings, but Jesus is always there. He always helps me through. I am able to be someone I never thought I could be because I let Him change me. I see things through different eyes. I am able to do things I never thought I could do all because of this new beginning.
It's when you're at the end
You find a new beginning
It's when you hold God's hand
That he will lead the way
It's hard when you can't see
Don't you know faith is blind
Let yourself fall into his arms
And leave yourself behind