In Hindsight

Thirteen months is a long time right? I think it is. Thirteen months is how long it is since my husband's store closed and he was out of a job. Thank God he is part of a union! He was guaranteed a job, so he was reassigned to a part time job 90 miles away. He made enough that it didn't pay to get a temporary job waiting for a job where we lived and that is how we lived for quite a while. Meanwhile, the roof fell in. Not just figuratively as in everything seemed to go wrong, but literally as in part of our roof just fell in! Not only did it fall in, but because it was due to a faulty repair of the people who owned the house before us, our homeowner's insurance did not cover it. My health got worse, we had family illness to deal with, pipes burst, you name it and it happened.

We prayed and we prayed. People would say "I'll pray for you" and "You're in a hard season," and being the Christians that we are, we just kept going, sucked it up and had occasional meltdowns. Thank God we have our faith! What this "hard season" did for us was to bring us closer to God in a way we haven't been before. It made us focus on Him in new ways. And more than anything, it made us realize what is truly important.

When jobs didn't work out, and the savings was just about gone, we felt times of weakness and despair. Where was God? Why hadn't He answered? What did He want from us? Questions swirled around in my head. As my faith was worn down, and my strength became weakness, the most incredible thing happened. I was lifted in a way I hadn't been in a long time. I surrendered completely and was functioning fully in God's strength, feeling a renewal of hope and joy. I would wake and He would replenish my cup. He would fill my emptiness. I did not realize the striving I had done until I had no energy to strive with. Sometimes we need to get to that place of desperation to give it all to Him!

Are you in that place of need and desperation? I invite you to get on your knees and lay it down to the One who will take it and make You new. Even if you have done this before, you can do it again. You are so loved, and the Lord wants to give you the best of Him. Look at the ultimate sacrifice He made of His own son for each of us! You can trust Him with it all, and in return receive the peace than knows no understanding. I know I did.

And regarding the job and my health: my husband's company created a new full time position for him that wasn't there. I had surgery and am doing better than I have been in a long time, and the roof is no longer falling in! God is so good, and He uses everything for the good!

In Whom Do You Trust?

Trust has always been a scary word for me; many would say with good reason. From the time I was a little girl, I had my trust violated. I grew up on an inner city block with the tough girls, but I wasn't one of them. I was always gentle and afraid of hurting people, so I was the one that got hurt. As a teenager in the suburbs, I was the victim of crime at fourteen years old. So who did I put my trust in- me! 

I grew up in church and I knew all about Jesus, but it wasn't until I was an adult that I actually knew Jesus. With a mind and a heart that was so afraid of losing control, it was so difficult to trust in God. Surrender only seemed to come in desperation. Does this sound familiar? Trust and faith are very hard things to achieve. In Matthew 17:20, Jesus tells his followers that if they had the faith of a mustard seed, they could tell a mountain to move and it would. 

Life happens, so of course over the years, the trust issues accumulated. This is something I have worked on for a long time. When I was a single mother, control was the word of the day. Self control may be a virtue, but we will never have control over everything. Having control is truly an illusion; at best we may feel in control. 

Through prayer and study of the Word, I am finally getting to the point of really putting trust in my Lord and Savior. I can honestly say I have true faith. This is something that I asked Him to help me with and He really has. 

Isn't it incredible to think that we can go to God and ask Him to help us do what He wants us to do and He will? Through looking back at all the times I needed Him and He got me through, I realized how faithful He has always been. He has never forsaken me. He has always loved me with no bounds, He has always helped me. Most of all, I have things in my life that have been resolved with no explanation, and I know that it was from Him. He showed me how much I can trust Him and put my faith in Him!

Oh what a wonderful God I serve! I lay my burdens at His feet every day. It is so freeing to not carry that weight anymore. I trust Him with it all. Sometimes I take those burdens back and I have to do it again. It's a process that hopefully will lessen over time. I never thought I could trust like this, but through Him and with Him through me I can. Not only do I trust in the Lord, but He has been healing the trust issues as well. 

My trust used to be in me, now my trust is in God. In whom do you really trust? 
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Reprint from 5/2016
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Sometimes I Wish

Sometimes I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. You set impossible standards for yourself. I see in you the person you dreamed you would be. I see the things you never thought you could do, how many obstacles you have gotten past and how many times you have overcome.

Sometimes I wish you could stop for a bit and revel in how far you have come. I want you to look back and see where you were. Remember the person you once were and cherish the incredible person you are now.

Sometimes I wish you could see past the brave, confident woman I try to portray myself to be and know that I am not much different than you are. I learned to be a fighter, I didn't have a choice. I have a perfectly molded mask I wear when the need is there. Sometimes I don't know when to take it off. That's when I wish I was more like you.

Sometimes I wish there wasn't a reason to learn all I did, as a lot of that learning came from a lot of pain. When I remember, I can feel the sharp edges of emotion like a perfect storm descending upon me from different directions. I don't believe in regrets or what if's- but sometimes I wish I could write my own story from the beginning; starting fresh with blank white pages.

Sometimes I wish all of these things, and then I realize, once more, that I am who I am meant to be, and so are you. The person who I am is a culmination of the experiences I have had, what I have learned from them and how God used it all to shape what is now a life full of meaning and purpose. Through it all, God left me with a soft heart, so I could know others' pain and support them through. I stand up for what I believe in and I fight for others who cannot fight for themselves. Yet I still have this soft heart, and when I pay a price for standing up and stepping out, it can hurt a lot. Sometimes I wish my heart didn't feel so heavy, but I praise God that it is full. I can say that I have really lived, I have known such deep pain, but I have also known incredible feelings of joy. I think back to C.S. Lewis' "Shadow Lands," the story of his own life. C.S. Lewis played it safe for many years, until the American poet Joy Gresham stole his heart. The story is one of finding true happiness; the love of a lifetime, and also of suffering the devastating loss of that love. We risk pain every time we try, every time we step out. I love his quote that pain rouses a deaf world.

And so, I wish for all and for myself, that you are brave enough to step out, open enough to dance with the wind, wise enough to step slowly but deliberately, patient enough to take one step at a time and to always remember that it isn't the destination, but the journey that matters. My journey is like climbing a mountain. Walking with my Savior and helping others in their fights is an uphill climb. How amazing it is finding that beautiful place where one can rest and look out, to see a breathtaking view. In my weakness and humanity I wish so many things, but then, I look up, find I am a little closer to Heaven, and thank God for that mountain view.
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Reprint from 2012

Journey

The cotton clouds, the citrine sun
Flowers bloom in every hue
The brilliant sunset when day is done
The ocean ripples in green and blue

The joy a baby's coo can bring
Chuckling at sweet things they do
The promise of the buds of spring
When old is gone and so much is new

In all of these God I see you

The summer breeze blows through my hair
The morning sun, it warms my skin
Fresh, calming rain cools the air
And gently touches my chin

Lord I feel you everywhere

The storms brings us the rainbows
The flowers need the rain
Sometimes the climb is steep
As we travel through the pain

My beautiful Creator
Lord I see You, I feel You
You are always with me
And you always bring me through

Kimberly Burnette, 1/2018

Restored, And Better Than Before

My mother always used to tell me "good things take time." To paraphrase that, I've learned through the years that "God things take time!" The journey to a beautiful destination can be made of rocky roads and seemingly impassable mountains. It is easy to lose hope in those times. Just like an oak tree in the winter that looks dead after losing all of it's leaves, new life comes in the spring. It starts with tiny little buds, and culminates in a colorful tree full of leaves with deeper roots and greater strength than before.

"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." ~Isaiah 40:31

It takes time to work through the anger and sadness that come when grieving a loss. Once we are able to say goodbye to the losses of yesterday, one is able to open the door to the dawn of a new tomorrow.

Isaiah 43:18-19 “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”

While God may let us lose things, He is also a God of restoration. As we find better doctors, and finally get long sought answers, we find a better quality of life. In the process we learn compassion, empathy and become stronger. We learn to have joy in things that once meant very little, and we become closer to the Lord. We also learn coping strategies and how to live rather than just survive.

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." ~1 Peter 5:10

When God restores our lives we are different people because we're more complete than we were before. Equipped with a fresh perspective and renewed spirits, we receive what He has for us with a new appreciation and a grateful heart.

"Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  ~ James 1:4

Have you found that living through hard things has made you a better person? If so, how?