Still Thirsty

Before I was overcome by three devastating chronic illnesses, my life was very full. I was very active. The offer of the job I really wanted finally came in. I loved what I was able to do in my volunteering. We traveled with friends. My husband and I took regular walks through lush, scenic neighborhoods and green ways. We drove wherever we wanted to go to see family and friends and managed to do what we wanted. Still, we had unrealized dreams and still, we were thirsty.

When I got so sick that I couldn't do these things anymore, I realized what I lost and I grieved. But something else happened. I slowed down, and even learned how to be still. Many times, especially in the beginning, I had to be still. I reached out to God not as the strong, independent woman I tried to be, but as the struggling, weak and helpless woman I felt like I was. I opened the deepest parts of my heart out of desperation for help, relief and comfort. What I found was nothing short of miraculous. What I had read about and never understood I experienced first hand. God the Father, who comforted me like a little child, and took care of me in a whole new way. I let him have all of me, maybe for the first time. I thought I had surrendered myself completely before, but as a frail human, the tendency to hold some back is always there. This time, I didn't think about it, I just did it. For the first time, I was no longer thirsty.

It reinforced something I knew in my head but maybe not fully in my heart--God wants us to come to Him as we are. He will fix us after we come. As one who grew up in a performance based environment, I had a hard time wrapping my mind around that. Illness brought me to that place where I stopped thinking and started listening and obeying; where God helped me to overcome my unbelief. The most amazing part is that all I needed was willingness and my simple prayer from my heart: "Help me God, fill me." I was so weak. I am still weak every day until I ask for His strength which is what I function in, so much better than my own which runs out so fast. He's not just God, but He is My God. He loves me as His own daughter, and He never leaves me thirsty.