Not An Ideal Mother

As little girls, we all have dreams. For me, it started out as being a mommy, a ballerina and an ice skater. Then it was being a mommy, a rock star and a professional dancer. Then later on, my dream was to be a mom, an interior designer or a landscape architect. Notice a pattern there? Like so many women, I wanted a family from the time I was a little girl. I had the ideal picture of what my family would be like and what kind of mother I would be. The ideas that formed in my mind came from books and movies, not from real life. Everything that was wrong or missing in my life became something that my children would have. I would be the perfect mother.

"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." ~Deuteronomy 6:5-7

The idea of being the perfect mother died shortly after my first child was born along with many ideas I had about child rearing. I had no idea what I was doing. Everyone had advice for me, and they all had different answers. I really didn't want their answers, I wanted their support, their belief in me. I cherished the early years of having my babies; I had three children, two boys and a girl, all born within five years. When they were little, I was young and on the floor with them. They were great times. Then life got hard. So many times there were no good answers and I just said a prayer and did the best I could. Was it right? Not always but sometimes. Was I a great mother? Probably not, definitely not the mother I dreamed I would be. As mothers, we only have control over what we do, not circumstances that are created by others; certainly not decisions our children make when we are not around.

"Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb?" ~Isaiah 49:15

So I grew as a Christian, as a woman and as a person while my kids grew up. In hind sight, I see that we learn from what we see in people, not from what they say. I hope my children learned some good things from me since I was their example. I was finding my deeper relationship with God while they were in their teens. Trying to handle tragedies within our family, they also got to watch me under fire as well. Did I always pass the test? I am sure there were times I did not. But I always loved them unconditionally. I always tried to let them know that they were loved no matter what. And I always prayed boldly for my children.

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." ~ Phillipians 3:12

Reality sets in and I realize that I wasn't the ideal mother I wanted to be, and that I couldn't have been. Of course knowing what I know now, if I could go back there are things I would do differently. Children don't come with instructions; how I wish they did! What I do realize though is that I did the best I could. I will always be there for them, I will always pray my special "mother" prayers for them and I will always love with a love that only their mother could have for them. Maybe that's enough.

The Song Goes On

I was doing chores the other day and had my favorite radio station playing when an old song I loved came on that spoke to my soul. I hadn't heard it for a long time. Maybe you have heard it, the title is "Everlasting God." I paused for a moment as I listened to the lyrics. Phrases like " Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord", "Our Hope, Our Strong Deliverer", and the last stanza "You're the defender of the weak, You comfort those in need, You lift us up on wings like eagles" resonated through me. All of these lines come from scriptures. I listened and absorbed this musical comfort and devotion. Here I stood with my duster realizing that one of the best coping methods and stress tools there is lies in the music that I love to play. 

Not only that, but the Christ affirming lyrics that were going in to my mind and soul were feeding my faith:
1. Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord- we get stronger in the period of waiting. I have found that to be true! What a good reminder. The waiting period is a time of growth. "but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength" ~Isaiah 40:31
2. Our Hope, Our Strong Deliverer- He is our hope and strong deliverer. He is our only hope, but we always have hope in Him, and He will always deliver us in His time. "Sovereign LORD, my strong deliverer, you shield my head in the day of battle." ~Psalm 140:7.3. You're the defender of the weak- "I know that the LORD secures justice for the poor and upholds the cause of the needy." ~Psalm 140:12 

4. You comfort those in need- Blessed be the God and Father of our LORD Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction. ~2 Corinthians 3,4

5. You lift us up on wings like eagles- "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." ~Isaiah 40:31

Focusing on God and reading my Bible as much as I want to are things I am still prayerfully working on. When things get tough and stress hits hard I am getting much better at going to God in prayer when I need to. Christian music has a way of engaging one's senses through the music and lifting one up through both the music and the verse. I go to it quite often and have formed a good habit of listening whether cleaning in my house and driving in my car. I have been known to be rocking in my car, singing along at a stop light and have learned to not look at other drivers while doing so! Ah, the joy that one can feel when completely engaged in a song that reminds us of how blessed we are! What Christian song has spoken to you lately?

To listen to Everlasting God click here

He Promised Me

After a series of tests, the doctor's office called me and wanted me to be there the next day. This is the specialist that is almost 200 miles away; who knows I live that far away. They wouldn't tell me anything, just that they needed me there the next day. Once more that fear crept in to me; what could be so wrong that they wouldn't tell me anything and they want me there tomorrow?

I called my husband and told him what happened which I had to do since I couldn't drive myself that far. Now there were two of us worried. The truth is I could have talked to everyone I knew and no one could have made me feel better about my appointment the next day. Nothing anyone said or did could have changed the anticipation I felt about the information I had not yet learned about my already deteriorating health. I just had to wait.

There are two things that help immensely in this type of situation and helped me that day: prayer and going to the Word. I prayed and was lead to my well worn chapter of Psalm that I go to frequently when I am afraid, Psalm 91. It is a chapter of comfort of promises; 8 promises that assure me that I am protected and safe with Him all the time.

When I read through Psalm 91 God says: I will rescue him, I will protect him, I will answer him, I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him, and honor him, with long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation. What comfort that brings to me! Then there is the verse I cling to, I call it my 911 verse; Psalm 9:11- "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty."

Now I can breathe again. Whatever happens God has me covered. He has been with me through everything thus far and I have survived. He is faithful, He will always be with me and my Perfect Father will protect me.

The next day ended up being a false alarm. I was called in to the doctor's office right away because the doctor had to have surgery, oh how I wished they had told me that on the phone! While I did need to have medication changes there were no serious implications from my tests; everything was okay.

As someone with multiple serious chronic illnesses, fear can come with new and strong symptoms, strange test results and increasing medical bills.

While people may help us to feel better momentarily, the Word assures us of God's promises to be with us and take care of us through it all.

To read Psalm 91 click here

My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. ~Galatians 2:20

Letting God Lead

One of my fondest memories is ballroom dancing. It was something I fell into after my last two children left home. I was alone for the first time in my life and had no idea what to do with myself. A friend from work took me to a club that had a ballroom night every Tuesday with a free lesson and a dance party. First we would sit and watch, and soon we joined in. It was wonderful. It brought me such happiness and I became a regular. It didn't matter how good I was, it was fun and I felt like a different person. It lead to years of many events and dances.

That was several years ago. Now I have illness that not only took away my ability to dance, but also to go for walks. Life is very different. Living with a chronic illness had caused me to grieve, get depressed, get angry and feel negative. Dancing is one of many things that I no longer have the ability to do. 

This illness has also brought me to my knees in complete surrender. There is nothing better than learning to lay all of one's burdens at the cross. In doing this, I have experienced a freedom and peace that I never had before. Although human nature drives me to take back the weight of those burdens, the practice of laying it all down before Christ is something I would encourage everyone to do. 

I do this over and over again, and it has brought me so much closer to God, and I have found the joy that comes from being so connected to our Heavenly Father. Joy comes from inside and cannot be taken away. It can be experienced in all circumstances and I am so thankful to have found it.

I miss ballroom dancing, I always will. Now when I want to dance, my husband and I slow dance in the livingroom, and there is something very special about that. God is taking the person I am now; the person I am supposed to be, and molding me into the better person He wants me to become. Through this experience, I have become more flexible.

When I look deep inside, I can see that for every loss there has been a gain. I believe He takes our losses and uses them for the good. I am grateful for the experiences I had before my illness, but I am also grateful for the peace and joy that God has produced in me. Yes, there are still hard days. Now I have the tools to cope with the hard days and I have an appreciation for life and all that is in it that I didn't have before.

What have you had trouble letting go of? Have you found new to replace the old? How do you handle the hard days? Let us hear from you in the comments below! 

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. ~Romans 8:28

Lisa's Tale

Lisa was one of three children. She was the middle child, and in many ways she filled the middle child stereotype of being “lost” between her older and younger siblings. She never made waves, and felt like she lived in the shadow of her older sister Lauren. Lisa was the "easy" child for her parents, and never made demands. She also seemed to be the one who got all of the physical problems. From extreme food allergies, stomach problems, and tubes in the ears, Lisa seemed to get it all. Despite all her ailments she never complained, and she was so accustomed to being sick that many times no one noticed until she was very ill. Strep throat turned to scarletina and ear infections became ruptured ear drums. There were times when Lisa felt invisible.

Lisa was diagnosed with a rare illness in her early thirties. Although she was gorgeous, and still appeared healthy, the symptoms of the illness were overwhelming. She went from being a straight “A” student and an adventure loving girl to an adult who could barely function. She had numerous debilitating symptoms that made it very difficult to function. There was no cure for her disorder, and there was no set treatment protocol. The numerous drugs options left much to guesswork and chance to find the right combination. Even when a best treatment was found, it only provided a degree of relief. She could no longer work, and she lost the quality of life she so wanted to enjoy.

Despite the physical effects of her illness, the hardest part of Lisa's life was the judgment, minimizing, and avoidance that she faced from the people she loved. She had friends who walked away without any explanation, and others who told her things like if she would “just exercise” she would feel better. Out of everyone, the one response to her disease that hurt the most was her older sister's. Lisa craved her sister's approval but never felt that she earned it. She did not recognize Lauren's jealousy because of the amount of attention Lisa got growing up. Lauren was always mean and critical of Lisa. She continually pushed Lisa to "snap out if it." She went to the rest of the family and complained about Lisa taking advantage of the system, and her need to "get attention" and "avoid working." This caused so much stress that it not only affected Lisa emotionally, but physically as well.

Lisa's best friends became people online who had the same illness. She felt profound loss not only from a life impacted by illness, but from the people in it. If she could have made herself well, or even well enough to function more, she would have in a heartbeat. Lisa didn't imagine or exaggerate what she was going through. Very few people believed her. So here was Lisa, the invisible sister with an invisible illness who felt like she didn't matter. She didn't want answers from anyone: she had her support group for that. She wasn't looking for special treatment, but she would have given anything to be treated like everyone else. She just needed acceptance, even if people didn't understand.

Lisa's story is a familiar one. There are many people living with "invisible" illnesses, who on the outside don't appear to be sick, who don't act sick, and don't want to be treated as a sick person. They want as normal a life as possible. Finding a normal in this world living under such circumstances is hard at best. So many people unjustly judge others based on their own limited knowledge and experience. We cannot know what someone is going through if we have not walked in their shoes. God tells us in the Bible that to turn away anyone is like turning away Jesus.

None of us should judge a book by it's cover. If Jesus lived here today how would we see Him? I believe that most people would see Him as a crazy, homeless beggar. Just think about a man like this being the savior of mankind! Sick people, no matter what kind of illness they have, still have a lot to give. In some ways, they have more to give. When going through a chronic illness most people develop a very special kind of compassion and wisdom. The Christians I know who have a chronic illness also have a very deep, mature relationship with God. Each one is like a lost lamb, the one that our Shepherd leaves the flock to bring home.

Bear this in mind the next time you encounter someone whose illness you cannot see or don't understand. For those who have an invisible illness, please know how important you are! You are very special to Jesus, and you are very special period. It sometimes takes other special people to recognize this. Don't worry about the people who don't understand. Remember that there are others who do understand and some that are learning acceptance even without a full understanding. You may have less friends, but the meaning of your relationships can be much deeper. And I pray for you all!