Still Thirsty

Before I was overcome by three devastating chronic illnesses, my life was very full. I was very active. The offer of the job I really wanted finally came in. I loved what I was able to do in my volunteering. We traveled with friends. My husband and I took regular walks through lush, scenic neighborhoods and green ways. We drove wherever we wanted to go to see family and friends and managed to do what we wanted. Still, we had unrealized dreams and still, we were thirsty.

When I got so sick that I couldn't do these things anymore, I realized what I lost and I grieved. But something else happened. I slowed down, and even learned how to be still. Many times, especially in the beginning, I had to be still. I reached out to God not as the strong, independent woman I tried to be, but as the struggling, weak and helpless woman I felt like I was. I opened the deepest parts of my heart out of desperation for help, relief and comfort. What I found was nothing short of miraculous. What I had read about and never understood I experienced first hand. God the Father, who comforted me like a little child, and took care of me in a whole new way. I let him have all of me, maybe for the first time. I thought I had surrendered myself completely before, but as a frail human, the tendency to hold some back is always there. This time, I didn't think about it, I just did it. For the first time, I was no longer thirsty.

It reinforced something I knew in my head but maybe not fully in my heart--God wants us to come to Him as we are. He will fix us after we come. As one who grew up in a performance based environment, I had a hard time wrapping my mind around that. Illness brought me to that place where I stopped thinking and started listening and obeying; where God helped me to overcome my unbelief. The most amazing part is that all I needed was willingness and my simple prayer from my heart: "Help me God, fill me." I was so weak. I am still weak every day until I ask for His strength which is what I function in, so much better than my own which runs out so fast. He's not just God, but He is My God. He loves me as His own daughter, and He never leaves me thirsty.

Perspective Is Everything

Some say perspective is everything. It certainly affects the way we see the world and perceive events. It never ceases to amaze me, when my grown kids tell the same stories from when they were growing up. I get three different versions! That's because their level of maturity, their role in the situation and how they felt about it, all affected how they saw things and remembered them each time.

They are called filters, the lens through which we see the world. We commonly refer to romantics as seeing through rose colored glasses, or depressed people as "seeing through a dark veil." I have found that the mood and frame of mind I'm in affects how I experience what is happening in a day. It all comes down to perspective.

When I first was diagnosed with my illnesses I was scared. They were rare and I didn't know a lot about them. Information wasn't easy to find. I thought of myself as very sick, and consequently noticed every single ache and pain. I forgot about the normal aches and pains we all experience. I was looking for what was wrong.

When I found acceptance not only of my illness but of where I am presently, with the help of God, my thinking and my filters started to change. Although my doctors didn't give me hope of a full recovery, my Lord does. Instead of thinking of myself as being sick, I try to think of myself as getting well. While that may not mean I will be fully healed in this life time, I look for what is okay or getting better instead of what is worse. When the pain is bad, I put it in the context of a bad pain day, meaning tomorrow may be better. Looking for the good, and thinking positively, shines a bright light on my illnesses, instead of feeling like i am walking a dark, lonely path.

Applying this practice to my daily life has led to a reduction in stress, and an overall feeling of peace. Remembering God's faithfulness in prior events helps me to put much more trust in Him now. I've been learning that I can pray for Him to work through me, and He will. I can ask Him to carry me when I'm weak and He does. I can ask for His strength when mine is running out, and He gives it to me. I can pray for Him to help me with having a life- affirming attitude, and He really does help.

Changing one's perspective can even impact how you feel physically. It doesn't change having an illness, but it can certainly contribute to overall quality of life and how much pain you feel. For me, it has meant letting go of self-sufficiency and depending on God and those He chooses to work through. That has been difficult for me, but along with the letting go has come a freedom to change and grow, and the humility to ask for help. Maybe that is a new beginning in itself.

When The Walls Are Crashing In

Have you ever been in a deep dark pit? So deep you couldn't see a way out? I have, at different points in my life. As a teenager after a horrible trauma I didn't think I could possibly survive.  Also when I became chronically ill with Addison's Disease and then other co-existing illnesses, knowing life would never be the same, I was grief stricken.

I lived in Mississippi during Hurricane Katrina. I was in Central Mississippi so we didn't get the devastation of the coast or New Orleans, but we got hit hard. At that time I worked hardships for the state retirement plan, and after hearing all the stories from the coast all day long, I would go home at night and cry, at least in the beginning. But you know what? I watched the stories change. From shock and grief to unity and a new hope...where there is God, there is always hope.

This week is National Suicide Prevention Week. It is also when Hurricane Irma will be hitting the Southeastern United States. Please know that whether you have evacuated or stayed, whether you are in a bad situation or hurting, no matter what your circumstance, or how dark things look, it can and does get better. You are never alone. I can say this because I have been in that dark pit. We can't always do it our own, sometimes we need help. There is no shame in needing help. We are not built to be perfect or completely independent, no matter what anyone has told you. Please if you feel like giving up, don't. Reach out. If not to someone you know, I will have some contacts below. And I want to share something that helped me. Please share it with anyone you think it might help. God never leaves us, and is a source of great comfort and peace.

I promised you some contacts. You can always contact me. For some anonymous contacts who are trained to help people that are hurting and people that are thinking about giving up here are some numbers and web addresses:

1-800-273-TALK (24/7)
1-800-SUICIDE
Crisis Chat: http://www.crisischat.org/chat/
Textline: Text home to 741741

Please, never give up when the walls are crashing in.

What Would Jesus Do?

Last December when I was wrapping up Christmas shopping, I had a real scare. I pulled into a parking space and I had someone pull up by me and run out of his truck, yelling obscenities at me, telling me he was waiting for my space first. He pulled his fist at me and stood over me, threatening me. He had his wife and kids in the truck with him. I had never even seen the truck. This man really scared me and I ended up leaving not only that space, but that store because he scared me so much. I really thought he was going to hurt me.

We live in a culture of anger and hate. People get angry so fast. I have watched people get out of cars and beat up each other up. I have seen virtual strangers beat each other verbally online. Things happen so fast, misunderstanding becomes jumping to conclusions, and so many things become about taking a side. Unity seems to be a word that doesn't exist anymore. Understanding and compassion are replaced with a "me first" attitude. So many want to judge who deserves what and what is fair, even when not fully informed and even within the church. One wonders "What would Jesus do if he were here now?"

Do you remember the bracelets that were a fad for a while that said "WWJD?" They stood for "What would Jesus do?" I think that is a good question to be asking ourselves now. I hear many people talking about the problem but that won't solve anything, not without something behind it. It is very easy for anyone to get caught up in it, but then that makes us a part of the problem too, doesn't it? When we respond in kind, we are part of the problem.

We all need to be part of the solution and that mean taking action. We fight darkness with light. We fight hate with love, and anger with kindness. We go back to the things we learned as children. For instance, The Golden Rule- Treat others as you want them to treat you. We love because He first loved us. We need to show the world that love. The love that gives and is kind and gentle. People learn by example. We are the face of Christianity, and we need to remember that more than ever when we are in the world dealing with people that aren't Christians. Jesus wants to save the sinners, and he wants us to help him do it. It starts with remembering that we are all sinners, even those of us that he has already saved. Kindness speaks a language everyone can hear. Next time you have an opportunity to show someone the love of Christ just ask yourself this question- "What would Jesus do?"

Dear Lord, Thank You for showing me such love, patience, tenderness and care every day. Help me to do the same, and please forgive me when I fail. I want to do better. Help me to always pause, and ask myself what Jesus would do. Thank you for working in me and convicting me. Help me to be one who people can look at and see You in me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.  ~Ephesians 4:32

The Light Side of The Moon

We just had a momentous occasion- a solar eclipse.  When a solar eclipse occurs, the moon crosses between the earth and the sun and actually covers the sun for a short while. When that happens, everything looks different. The sun is covered, completely for a few minutes, and everything looks dark. The sun is still there but it is covered up. What we can't see changes how everything looks. 

That can happen in our faith lives. Isn't it true that real faith is believing in what we can't see? That isn't hard when things are going well and the way that we want them to. What about when the future is unknown? What about those times when we feel like we're on hold and just waiting? And what about when the storms in life don't seem to end?

Faith can be worn down pretty quickly when we aren't letting God do soul work in us. It is in our weakness that He is strongest. In fact, it is in the hard, uncertain times that He will do the most work in us but we first have to invite Him in. Instead of grappling for how to gain control of one's situation, we need to seek the power and wisdom of the the great I Am. The more willing I am to let go and let Him, the more I can perceive to just believe and know that the sun is still there. Even if I can't see it, even if it's not shining, the sun will shine again for me. 

With God's strength, power and wisdom, all things are possible. When I am in Him, and not in my own limited strength, I can see more clearly and be renewed daily. Thank You Jesus.

Well I will walk by faith

Even when I cannot see it

Well because this broken road

Prepares Your will for me

~ Jeremy Camp

I Will Walk By Faith